And honestly I don't know when I'm going to give up in ___ but it seems every time when I thought I had.. turns out I haven't. "And as a wise friend told me today women demand equal rights to men, now be a man!" There's a meaning behind it, one that will remain between me and that friend of mine.
I thought I had stepped out of that dark stage already but looks like a quite haven't. My clothes maybe of assorted colours but the colours of my mind are still in dark shades... and why? no one's fault but mine, I brought everything on myself and why can't I just realise it at that time itself?
Discouraging thoughts, questioning myself, do I deserve having it this good when I haven't been giving enough? I have been accepting but for how long can I? What will happen to my future? Why didn't I do this or that/ Why DID I do this and that?
I hate admitting I need help, thinking I can do it on my own.. but in the end it just doesn't work that way after all.. I fail while others succeed because they weren't afraid. and while at that moment I would think that I was the smart one, I end up losing out.
With all of the above not giving my mind peace to sleep i threw off my blanket and came back downstairs to open up my mum's BAZAAR May 2009. (normally I wouldn't read magazines) I flipped straight to the back and found this article on Poesy Liang. 34, architectural interior designer, jewellery designer, writer, photographer, blogger, ex-TV personal, ballroom dancer, traveller, popular and beautiful. I read more about her life and I was really blown away, in a matter of minutes, I found my role model. I haven't even met her but I knew I wanted to. Like she saw that ABS by Allen Schwartz on Sarah Jessica Parker and knew she wanted it.
She's been through so much, paraplegia at 17, at age 28 (2003) with a tumour coiled around her spinal cord and paralysis striked again after the open surgery, bedridden during her first semester of Architecture Engineering in Federal Institute of Technology and finally not being able to fully complete the ambition she wanted because of her health problems. And here I was healthy and financially stable with wonderful parents supporting me and a sister and brother who believe in me, my grandmother who always gives me sums of money when she knows very well I don't need it coming from a very privileged family already. Here I am with all these! and I don't deserve it! I can't even get good enough grades to make my parents feel like whatever they had done for me was not wasted.
I am in such a dilemma for next semester now and I had a temporary moment of weakness there but if Poesy could do it over all her obstacles, why can't I? I just need that slap on the face and what I had to see again just now was not just a slap, it was a punch. And I'm back.
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