Tuesday, November 24, 2009

jump then fall

omg I've to seriously stop being nocturnal! Either that or find more people that are nocturnal like me besides Syasya and find a uni that has night classes instead of day time ones. Maybe I need to take night time jobs as well and by night time jobs I meant ones that allows me to remain in my clothes still.

3 hours till calculus exam and at first I was hyperventilating and now I'm just giving up hope. I'm seriously so gonna fail this anyways but then again I'm going to apply for a change of course so I'll be behind a year still anyways. But then apart of me is telling me not to. I hate giving in and I also hate losing which leaves me stuck to one option and that's to perservere and don't lose!

hmm 4 cans of red bull and I feel like throwing up or dancing. Preferably the latter. I keep thinking of my freedom after this paper and all the stuff I want to and NEED to do and at the same time i'd rahter the exam to be miraculously pushed to Friday so I'll have more time, I'd sing Hallelujah in the chapel if that happens.

I've also been having thoughts of getting run over by a car along the way so I won't have to sit for the exam. But that also means no clubbing on Thursday and Sunday. Again stuck in a bad situation.

On another note I'm in love all over again! With Red Jumpsuit Apparatus again. emo post-hardcore music gets me everytime!

"Step Right Up shoot an arrow on the target, my heart is an easy thing for you to win, don't worry if you miss I'll let you shoot again, my heart is an easy thing for you to win"

OMG Elias Reidy why did you have to leave the band!!! rarrr you and Ronnie Winters were like brothers not to mention yr the most perfect backup vocalist and guitarist for the band! Now it's all Ronnie alone :(

step right up

pretty heart shaped and teardrop raised beads on buckle (won't fall off)

black tiered dress used once at my formal

close up of details and bow

belt might be sold together with yellow dress

yellow's not really my colour and trapeze dresses aren't really my style

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I'm an Auntie!!!! wooo


My cousin's baby boy just came into the world on the 18th October. Aww I can't wait to see him! and cuddle him, hold his lil hand and pinch his lil nose. omg so excited!! I want pictures of him scat! Can't wait till December man!

omg omg i get to go baby clothes shopping!!!

Saturday, October 17, 2009


A call,

You're waiting outside for me

A walk,

In the rain around the cemetary

You talk,

But what were we talking really?

A drive,

And you're still staring at me,

A kiss,

To end the night and leave me happy...

Not perfect, but beautiful.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

heaven bend to take my hand

"you're depressed.. listening to Sarah McLachlan..." House M.D.

my fave photo from today's photoshoot. And just a quick recap. it was awkward. Not just for you but for me too. Maybe it wasn't for you but it was for me. It showed in you but didn't show in me. She and she said it's obvious. Why am I denying? Is it because you don't or I don't?.. Just be straight up but take your time too.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

for the sake of an update

I just had a shower. I smell fresh! =D

Monday, September 28, 2009

last night was a good, good night

AA after party!! not that I had many photos anyways. I always forget I have a camera with me and for shame my guy friend was more of (and a better) camwhore than me. He ended up taking the photos which I deleted most of them because I just look so blehhhh in them. Actually I look bad in all of the so I just picked the best. Imagine what 4 shots in a row can do. Thank you I take after my dad and sober up pretty quickly which sucked towards the end :(

What rocked the most was Rene's appearance with her friends who got Sya and I in! That girl is absolutely awesome! Cuz if we didn't go to the ball to get an orange tag we weren't able to go in. Advantages of being a photographer in a club ;)
The lights, the atmosphere, the song selection, the DJ was awesome!
Sadly I didn't take photos with Sya or Rene :( but the night was amazing! I was so surprised I knew so many people there! I would've regretted not going seriously. Thanks Syasya for coming with me otherwise I wouldn't know where to go. Thanks Sean for telling me to come, helping me cut the line, keeping me company, and looking after me.
P.S. should've logged out of yr fb account!

Friday, September 25, 2009

procrastinating and because it's the holidays!

Yesterday was just totally awesome I'm still not over it. Met a whole new batch of people who are just totally awesome!! Sadly not many group photos :(

haha these are my personal faves and for Sean's sake I won't upload anymore.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Sunday, September 20, 2009

emo again...

I used to think that achievements make me happy. I thought that it is when I am at my happiest. I guess I was right. It is the happiest I can be at the moment. It never lasts long though. I know what will really make me the happiest. Movies don't affect my emotions. I've watched shows with my mother and friends and seen them cry. I found out something about me. I can only cry when I see unrequitted love. Because I know how it is like. One time too many.

Right now I feel like "I've ignored all that's real and true, all I need is you, when night falls on me, I'll not close my eyes." becuase I know I don't derserve... I'm sorry. But was there even anything to begin with. How could this happen yet again. I can't be happy for no one until I myself find happiness. And by happiness I mean true, real, everlasting...

What the started all this? I've been emo all night eversince I watched Tuck Everlasting. I swear it is the most beautiful movie I've ever watched. It's perfect. Set in the early 20th century, where gentlemen existed, where there were woods and white dresses. Where innocence was still in a young girl and boy. I repeat it was beautiful and just so sad. I would've waited for true love. I would've waited becuase I know that's when I'll receive happiness. And isn't happiness what everyone wants most? It jsut comes in different forms.

They jsut don't make good Disney Movies like they used to.

Does true love even exist anymore? If it does, I'll hold it out and wait. Even if it doesn't, "life is to be lived".

I'm sorry...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

kiss the stars with me

calm and peaceful
I feel warmth enveloping me

I think
I thought again of you
Why won't you go away

We only
Just met so briefly
But you've left an impression on me

I wish
I had let what almost
happened to happen

I can still
Hear your voice
And remember how it's soothed
this aching heart for just a few brief minutes
I'll treasure them

How you
quickly looked back at me
when you said something
you knew would've hurt me

Were you
Being tactful or a flirt
Either way in the end it hurt

Really badly
When I didn't let
what could've happened, not happen

Would it have been different?
Why would it have?

Monday, September 7, 2009

Yes, I am here

No, I don't want to be

Yes, I am single

No, I don't want to be

Yes, I am shy

No, I don't want to be

Yes, I am

No, I am not

Yes, I would love to
sit next to you and watch you smile

No, I will not say that to

Yes, I did love watching that movie

No, I didn't like the ending

Yes, you are still unaware

No, I am not over it

Yes, I still have

No, I won't say

Maybe, someday,
eventually, finally.

when i'm ready

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Father's Day...

is over in Msia but I believe it's kinda soon in Australia. I don't know why we cant all have a standard date.

To my daddy who totally made my day today in his own cute, special way. I lvoe you so much. Thank you for making me feel so much better and bringing me back on my feet. Thank you for the laugh today and for being the bearer of great news with kong kong.

Filial daughter I shall try to be =D <3

Saturday, August 29, 2009


I'm leaving on a jet plane! My own private jet. it's only for the weekend. I'll be home for around 2 days an return on monday morning just in time for my class. I'm gonna be home! I'm gonna be able to see you kong kong. I'll hug you and kiss you on the forehead.

I'll hold your hand in mine, gently and maybe, just maybe you'll hold mine back. You would slowly curl your fingers in to cover mine. And you'll have your eyes open. They'll be wise and shining just like how I last remembered them to be. And you'll be able to tilt your head up and smile. That adorable, contagious smile. And maybe, just maybe you'll be able to recognize me. You'll say I'm your daughter's daughter. You'll say my name and welcome me home again.

In my dreams...

I still remember how my mummy used to warn me not to take afternoon naps in front of you because you might get irritated. But one afternoon I started dozing off and you saw me. I told you I was sleepy (ngantuk) and you even let me sleep in your bedroom, on your bed. You fluffed the pillow for me so i'd be comfortable. You got out a blanket for me even though it was 30 degrees and it was afternoon.

Mama used to get ticked off because you'd go to the coffee shop near your house everyday. When you were wheelchair bound you were still so restless you wanted to move around. It took nearly 10 months but you were getting stronger again. You were so so cute kong kong. You'd refuse to use yr stick when the maid told you to but when I gave it to you you'd use it. You even held my hand for support. And you even started drinking water and feeding yourself. You peeled that mandarin by yourself.

We were happy you were getting better again. I was happy you were getting better again. I thought everything was getting better. But kong kong why did you have to get up when there was no one around to watch you.

I'm gonna see you soon kong kong, but that'll only be in my dreams. If God loves me please let me dream about it. Please wait for me in December. I'll be back and I'm going straight away to see you. I promise. just wait for me kong kong. I love you, Tiffany sayanglu. Tunggu untuk aku ok?

Friday, August 28, 2009

wish I could wait...

I wanna go home! really really badly! How could they not have told me earlier! I don't know if I should be thankful or angry or upset. I'm obviously upset. Grandpa, kong kong I love you.. please please recognise me when I get back.

Please, I don't need to see you move your limbs again. I just need to hear that you CAN move them. I want to hear you speak again too. Why why why?! Why wasn't there anyone looking after him. Dear kong kong they kept the news away from me for a week.

one week he was in there for one week and they only told me 4 hours ago!! I could have booked flights in advance and be on the plane right now. I want to cry I AM crying!! why does shit after shit happen! Grandpa I lvoe you I hope you hear me, please move again, be good to the doctors and doctors please be good to him. You're so fragile. I love you so dearly. You need to eat again. I can imaigne you with tubes.. again..

I wanna go home...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Saturday, August 8, 2009


I cannot believe uni changed my timetable! I am so unbelievably angry right now I have to vent! Now I'm not in the same urban tute as James and sya sya and cute guy in leather jacket and super nice tutor! I hate this shit. And I hate the weekends even more! They don't work during weekends so I can't go over and get it changed personally!

I'm incredibly pissed I cannot describe how pissed I really am! Okay not pissed just upset atm. Very very fucking upset!!! I don't give a damn about my natural tute because I had a crappy tutor anyways. die die die

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


Now what ddoes that even mean? hmm I just wrote it cause I'm listening to that song atm. Let's see today's activities...

Yeap that sums it up :)

Tomorrow: teach my sis how to use my DSLR

Sunday, July 19, 2009

materialistic, narcissistic and incomprehensive

:) indeed I am all of the above, basically i just want to say I love my guitar, my new mp3 player, my new hair and my new dress :P

Thursday, July 16, 2009

i see the signs, it's that time of month xD

hello sudden mood swings again, I did not miss you.

but anyways I'm still in that debate over curling my hair or leaving it sraight? why must i be so indecisive?

Went back to the boutique to get that gorgeous royal blue empire waist greek goddess dress I wanted yesterday. But when I was at the store the sales person apologised saying a woman came in just 30 mins before I had and bought that very dress in green, red and... yeap my royal blue!!!! I was so pissed I was like wtf-ing inside, I was really raging. (pms -.-) and the lady kept trying to get me to try diff dresses but I kept saying no but she kept taking more I wanted to shout at her "don't you get the point??" but i knew it wasn't her fault. It's weird cuz my psychic feeling also told me I should've called the store in the morning to hold it for me.

Anwyays the owner of the boutique saw I was clearly upset. (I even dreamt of that dress!) and she called their branch in Bangsar to transfer one over for me. I was so touched :')

The rest of the day was great, I went for a walk with my sis, had raw veges for dinner at 4.15 (starving now), my brother and I got along beautifully today and I made two new youtube videos. :)


here's the link in case it uploads slow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zh1olpHATL4&feature=channel



here's the link in case this uploads slow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPqyj1uXo6o


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

ignore the video

oh no direct video response thing totally fuzzes the quality!! ok will post a new one tomorrows now i'm going to bed.

call me slightly more confident =)

I just watched Air Supply's acoustic version of their song, I'm All Out of Love from their album the singer and the song (or was it the other way round?) anyways I got so excited I just had, had had to upload this video using youtube's video reponse thing. I'll record a better version though casue you can hardly hear me. But to anyone who's interested (or who even reads my blog) just do yr thing ;) meaning watch it

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

when it rains, i feel like snuggling

You know when you've been having a totally crappy day/week/month but it's all ok because of one little reason? yes just one.

I was depressed over my results (which was all my fault so I don't want sympathy), gaining wiehgt, that person is still ever so clueless, been a totally absent minded and unintentionally irresponsible daughter, being inspirationless and all that crap I'm gonna stop whinging.

But just one conversation, one acquaintance, one song, with one person. Totally turned everything around. I'm not saying there's something going in my love life cause there ins't but I reckon this person really, really deserves a post for himself although he will never see it himself.


oh and while talking to him I learnt how to play When it rains by Paramore and hopefully we'll get to play it together when he's learnt his part. You've the most beautiful smile ever too! *I never saw it coming*

Monday, July 13, 2009

sorrow last through this night..

I believe what Joyce says that blogging always makes you feel better. I felt much better compared to last night although the guilt is still there. I'll have to work extra hard next sem. I can do it! it's just another 4 months and possibly 4 exams, easy right?

My mama and my mummy and daddy and uncles and aunties all believe in me. That's a hell lot of pressure and I know I've failed them this sem already so I need to make up for it. Lord help me please. Sem 2 will be dedicated to my family and for me!

Had my first driving lesson today. Experienced drivers please stop bullying me! I'm a beginner and there's a friggin clutch on the manual car. God I hate that clutch but I'm very proud of myself. All those nights of nightmares did nothing to fend me from my lessons. The instructor was a bit annoying but who cares I'm alive and I drove to Sri Inai and back home on my first go. Seriously I learnt just by trial and error because the instructor didn't tell me what to do. And I ended up driving myself back home. Twas awesome!

It's almost end of my so called holiday in Malaysia and I still have some stuff to do such as my hair and dress shopping and more youtube videos oh and I must have written at least 2 songs before I go back but I just haven't had the inspiration...

I just love how people like Michelle Branch and Ryan Cabrera can write so many beautiful songs. I'm falling more in love with every single word they say.

One day she will tell you that she has had enough...

And honestly I don't know when I'm going to give up in ___ but it seems every time when I thought I had.. turns out I haven't. "And as a wise friend told me today women demand equal rights to men, now be a man!" There's a meaning behind it, one that will remain between me and that friend of mine.

I thought I had stepped out of that dark stage already but looks like a quite haven't. My clothes maybe of assorted colours but the colours of my mind are still in dark shades... and why? no one's fault but mine, I brought everything on myself and why can't I just realise it at that time itself?

Discouraging thoughts, questioning myself, do I deserve having it this good when I haven't been giving enough? I have been accepting but for how long can I? What will happen to my future? Why didn't I do this or that/ Why DID I do this and that?

I hate admitting I need help, thinking I can do it on my own.. but in the end it just doesn't work that way after all.. I fail while others succeed because they weren't afraid. and while at that moment I would think that I was the smart one, I end up losing out.

With all of the above not giving my mind peace to sleep i threw off my blanket and came back downstairs to open up my mum's BAZAAR May 2009. (normally I wouldn't read magazines) I flipped straight to the back and found this article on Poesy Liang. 34, architectural interior designer, jewellery designer, writer, photographer, blogger, ex-TV personal, ballroom dancer, traveller, popular and beautiful. I read more about her life and I was really blown away, in a matter of minutes, I found my role model. I haven't even met her but I knew I wanted to. Like she saw that ABS by Allen Schwartz on Sarah Jessica Parker and knew she wanted it.

She's been through so much, paraplegia at 17, at age 28 (2003) with a tumour coiled around her spinal cord and paralysis striked again after the open surgery, bedridden during her first semester of Architecture Engineering in Federal Institute of Technology and finally not being able to fully complete the ambition she wanted because of her health problems. And here I was healthy and financially stable with wonderful parents supporting me and a sister and brother who believe in me, my grandmother who always gives me sums of money when she knows very well I don't need it coming from a very privileged family already. Here I am with all these! and I don't deserve it! I can't even get good enough grades to make my parents feel like whatever they had done for me was not wasted.

I am in such a dilemma for next semester now and I had a temporary moment of weakness there but if Poesy could do it over all her obstacles, why can't I? I just need that slap on the face and what I had to see again just now was not just a slap, it was a punch. And I'm back.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

new video!

jun yeu said i haven't been blogging and this probably doesn't count as a blog post but ok let's see last night I was talking to Alex about M2M while youtube-ing M2M videos and came across this song, Girl In Your Dreams and i fell in love with it immediately.


so I thought I'de do a cover of it. love it!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

red ones bring you up blue ones bring you down

and i really need some red ones, whatever those "ones" are. I've been so down and up but mostly down lately.

drives me crazy half the time the other half i'm only trying to figure out what is real and true

you know times when you just feel emo/sad/unsociable? yeah that's what i'm feeling now. I see their faces, i know them i love them, I want to hug them and laugh with them.. just talk to them and not cast myself away from them...

What the hell is wrong with me!!!

Stressed out and under such a constricted time frame as well everything's due on thursday
i can do this!! I know I can!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

doing before and afters as well

THESE TOP 4 weren't editted at all! the bottom ones were