Sunday, January 18, 2009

cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares

yes okay no one does maybe if someone is feeling suicidal at that moment they might, even I might but these past few days i don't know if it's the lack of social life or.. some otehr excuse that I can't think off but I've been feeling like, "Is anyone interested in me?" "Will I ever find the right one?" "Will this person be interested in me?" "Will I ever get married?" "Will it last?" "Will I get divorced and end up a single mum cause i'm too old for anyone?"

okay yeah i'm thinking way down far the line. My mum was commenting that I need to change. "Wear brighter colours/ high heels/ pink nail polish/ less dark makeup/ more decent hair etc."

But if i do that that means it's not me anymore.. I won't feel comfortable with myself. I've tried so many times for her just to please her but I just can't do it. I feel so fake that I don't wanna meet anyone. But she's like "nonsense, what guy would ever want you like that?"

I was about to answer her when she rephrased that, "What decent rich guy would want you?"

Ok yeah so i admit I haven't been in thebest relationships and no none of them were rich but come on what do you love someone for? their personality or their money? I'd pick personality any day! It gets me so frustrated how materialistic my mum is. I mean don't you think my dad would have been hurt by what she's said? and obviously her perception doesn't get me anywhere near happiness either.

She picks my friends. If they can't buy stuff for you she thinks their not worth hanging out with! I'm like WTF!! hello, that's not how you choose yr friends. My friends and I mean my really really close and bestest friends (I hope you know who you are :]) are given that special (long) title because I trust them I've known them for years or for a certain few just one year ;). They love me for me and have helped me out a lot when I needed help. Comforted me and adviced me when necessary. They know my flaws and not only accept that but try to correct me (when I asked them too). They drive all the way to my house eventhough my mum doesn't like them and even though they had to risk getting caught by their parents just to pick me up and hang out at least for one hour why? because they genuinely miss me and i miss her loads loads too!! yes Liz I'm talking to/about you!! ha ha

but seriously living with her though yeah she can give you most of the things you want (depends if she approves or how hard I beg) I think I'd prefer freedom more than these material things. ok no i'm not ungrateful I'm very grateful so grateful that eversince i've gotten my guitar i never asked her to go out well ok i did once but then i didn't in the end cause i decided not to trouble her but i bet she wouldn't have let me gone out anyways.. i feel so... trapped... and controlled. she criticizes everything!! from my hair to my T-shirt and shoes and even down to the books i read!!

bu what hurt me most is thinking maybe she's right i'll never find the right guy if i carry on being.. well me. but then again if i don't i'll be faking it and that won't end up very pretty either..

This is ME, hi I'm Tiffany, please to meet you please don't diss me =]
I can be gentle I can be sweet,
But if you mess with me you're dead meat.
hey omg that rhymed!

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